Proving Ground

Proving Ground

A Xenosaga fanfic by Princess
Artemis

Occurs almost exactly afterXenosaga III ends. Right after the last scene with Shion and Allen.

Allen tried stilling himself, but he
wasn’t doing a good job of it. Too rigid or trembling like a
leaf—his body refused to find a middle ground. He supposed
it wasn’t a bad thing, or an unusual one…after all, the
Chief had just set her head on his shoulder after letting him hold
her hand. He had only wanted to be in this sort of position
for over five years now. That being a given, he didn’t want
to wreck it all by stumbling all over himself, which he felt he
probably would at any given moment.

Just stay still. Still. Either that or
drive her off the moment she showed any actual interest in him
beyond friendship. Wouldn’t that be the story of his life.
And wouldn’t that make this slower than light trip to Lost
Jerusalem a most awkward potential time…decades maybe…

She didn’t seem to mind, or notice, one or
the other. She turned her hand over and twined her fingers in his.
Allen managed not to jump out of his skin by main force of will.
Calm, deep breaths, stay still…maybe turn his head a little? He
thought he could manage that, just a smidge, just enough to get
her hair to stop tickling his neck, to touch her head. Just
enough so she could feel it, enough so he could feel it as well.

Hmm, so much for calm and deep breaths. Wrong
move, sir, he thought to himself. She smelled nice. Of course

she smelled nice; he thought she probably could have smelled like
a sewage treatment plant and he’d think it was nice just
because it was her. And now her hair was tickling his
mouth, and tickling his nose, and he figured if he didn’t
sneeze in her hair it would be a miracle. Something always
happened. Sneezing in her hair would be just as an effective way
to destroy whatever parallel dimension he’d found himself in
as anything else. Although he granted it was a very nice parallel
dimension, and he was surprised that he was calming down a bit.
Maybe deep breaths weren’t so bad.

She made a contented little sigh, no more than
a soft exhalation. He smiled. Yes, this was a nice parallel
dimension. Maybe in a few minutes he’d let himself believe
reality prevailed. Probably the nanosecond before Junior barged
into the room.

Allen was a little anxious to say the least.
Recent events hadn’t changed his essential life-long
knowledge that every time anything so fantastic as this happened
to him, something would come along and ruin the moment.

It seemed, however, that things had changed.
For long, satisfying minutes, the two just stood the way they
were, looking out the Elsa’s window. Shion stayed where she
was, moving a little closer even, Junior had not interrupted (nor
had anyone else), a fleet of Gnosis hadn’t suddenly appeared,
the universe hadn’t come grinding to a halt (yet), and Allen
himself had not done anything to trip up. A nice change of pace
indeed. A man in love could get used to this sort of comfortable
silence, this sort of closeness, after wanting it so long.

“Allen?” Shion said, voice soft.

“Hmm?” He was too content to voice
much past that.

“I didn’t get a chance to thank you.”

“What for?” Allen couldn’t think
of a single thing he had done recently that would warrant thanks.
Not off the top of his head, anyway. Maybe jumping that Gnosis?
He didn’t know why she would think it necessary to thank him
for that. “Do you mean that last Gnosis? I should have been
doing that all the time.”

Shion giggled a little. “No, not that.
Well, OK, yes, that, too, but I meant something else.” She
paused. “Where did you learn to jump like that anyway?”

That question made him a little tense. He tried
not to show it, but he had trouble imagining that he was actually
successful for once in not showing his nerves. Don’t
screw this up! he shouted at himself, but he had to be honest.

“Ah, Jin…Jin was teaching me a little. About chi.” Don’t
get upset don’t get upset please don’t get upset…

“Oh.” Simple answer, but to
Allen’s ears it was something of a relief. He didn’t
hear much sadness in it, maybe a hint; it was more bittersweet.
She didn’t sound upset that he had mentioned Jin, in any
case. Not happy, but not upset.

He wished she hadn’t asked, though. She
was still leaning against him and holding his hand, but he knew
something had shifted. There were a few moments of silence, not
quite as comfortable as before.

Then Shion shifted a little, moved herself so
that the whole length of her arm was against Allen’s, her
head still leaning on his shoulder, but now he could feel her
breath on his neck. Coherent thought became difficult rather
abruptly. Wonderfully awful or awfully wonderful…he wasn’t
sure. He was sure he liked it, though. There was the matter of
staying still, which was not possible at the moment. He was
trembling now. Hopefully not so much that she would notice, but
he did have enough correctly operating neurons for instinct to
tell him she’d feel it just because he was Allen Ridgeley
and Good Things Like This Did Not Happen Without Something
Ruining It. He set his free hand on her shoulder in an attempt to
get the ‘This is nice, please don’t leave just because
I’ve gone fight-or-flight on you’ message through.

It seemed to, since she set her hand over his,
forcing him to again stop himself from reacting like someone had
jabbed him with an electric prod. He really wished he
weren’t so nervous.

“It wasn’t that,” Shion said.

“I wanted to thank you for what you said…did…inside
Michtam. To Kevin, for me.”

Damnit, not that.

“You don’t…” His hands and
voice were shaking but his body had gone cold. Not that, not
now. “You don’t have to thank me for that.”

“I do. I was so cruel, and then…”

“No, you don’t. You don’t have
to thank me for any of that.” He was going to screw it up.
He knew it. Unless she dropped the subject, for now at least, he
was going to screw it up and he was going to hate himself for it.
Every path lead to the same conclusion. He could only hope his
nerves were making him paranoid, but it was a miniscule thing,
that hope.

Shion pulled away, but still kept hold of
Allen’s hands. “But why?” She looked up into his
face, honestly confused.

Allen closed his eyes and turned away for a
second. No, this at least, you say to her face. Then
you can ruin everything. Just not this. So he turned back,
and looked her in the eye, steady as a rock, and said, in all
sincerity, “Because I love you, Shion.”

Then he dropped his head and closed his eyes.
He had wanted to say that for so long, but under better
circumstances. He was sure she knew, now, even without saying it
(hadn’t he already said it with blood and broken bones?),
but he still had hoped there were better circumstances. Sometime
when his blood wasn’t cold and his hands weren’t
shaking and he wasn’t fighting back tears, not from nerves,
but from pain.

There was a long pause. Then a confused reply.
“I don’t understand.”

Allen nodded slightly. “I know.” He
kept hold of her hands, running his thumbs along the tops. He
felt so cold. He almost felt numb. He was going to ruin
everything. Probably already had. He wasn’t nervous now,
just cold. Cold and angry and deeply hurt by his own anger. Not
now…why couldn’t it have waited until it wouldn’t
hurt so much? But he still held her hands.

Shion’s reply was hot, angry. “What
do you mean, ‘I know’?!”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Then explain why you think you know so
much, Allen!”

He winced at her tone, but if she saw it, he
didn’t know because his eyes were still closed. “Chief…Shion…I
don’t know so much, I don’t know anything much at all
except I don’t want to hurt you but I’m going to and
that kills me.” He moved her hands so he held them both in
one hand, and started stroking the top of her exposed hand.

“Maybe you like me. Maybe you love me. I want you to. But I
know you don’t love me as much as I love you. That’s OK,
you haven’t had time to, even if you had the desire
to. I don’t expect that…but it does mean I know you
don’t understand why I don’t need or want to be thanked
for dying for a hope.” His last words were little more than
a whisper.

Shion tried to take her hands back, but Allen
wouldn’t let go. If he was going to shoot himself down, he
was not going to do it in a way that left any ambiguity; he was
not going to make it seem like something he wanted to do or
something he did without knowing what it was. If he shot himself
down, if he ruined any chance, he was going to do it full knowing
and holding Shion’s hands. He didn’t know where this
confidence came from, or if it was confidence at all…it might
have been more likely foolhardiness. That, he thought, he knew
well. So let him fall a fool.

“You aren’t dead,” she said,
voice still heated and no less angry. There was frustration also.
“And that doesn’t explain anything.”

Allen looked at her, not quite raising his head.
“I did die, a little…but that part needed to die, so
it’s OK. I expected to die. Do we really have to talk about
this now? Can’t it…can’t it wait a while? I could
maybe explain better, when…when I didn’t think it would
hurt so much.” Let it go for now…please let it go, for
a little while…

Shion seemed to cool down a bit, but Allen
still saw anger and frustration in her green eyes. He wondered if
she knew how well he could read her moods. He’d had a lot of
practice. He wondered if she realized that was how he knew how
much pain she had been in for as long as he had known her when he
had seen her cry only twice. He sighed, no more than a breath,
when he saw determination there as well.

“Just tell me why it would make a
difference to put off whatever it is you want to put off. Why not
deal with it now, instead of letting it fester?”

Of course, Shion had a great deal of practice
at that. Allen did too, in a different way. What a perfectly
awful time to try a new way of dealing with everyone’s
feelings, he thought, right when I need some time to sort
out mine. He still felt cold, and his hands still shook. For
a moment he lost himself in the feel of her hands in his, her
skin under his fingers. Why that calmed him, he didn’t
understand, when such a short time ago just touching her had been
doing a beautiful job of completely ruining any composure he
possessed. Still, it did. Maybe because his reasons had changed.
Now he thought he might be on a proving ground. She asked a lot
of him; she asked more than she was willing to give. He hoped
some day that she would be willing to give as much as she asked,
but maybe she was right. Maybe this was something that had to be
said, even if it hurt her; it certainly hurt him. But the air
would be clear, and there was no certainty that she would ever
care about him the way he did her.

Maybe he wouldn’t be ruining anything.
Maybe there was nothing but a fleeting moment to ruin, and it was
well and gone now. He was uncertain, always uncertain, but there
had been no guarantees under Michtam either. Just hope. He could
still hope.

He raised her hands, holding them separately
again, so that his touched his chest and hers were near. He
looked at her hands while he spoke. “OK…I…I don’t
want to say it because of everything that’s happened, so
fast, and not that long ago. So many old wounds and fresh wounds,
everyone is still reeling, and I don’t want to add to that.
I don’t want to say it because I’m certain it will hurt
you and I don’t want to cause you any more pain. I
don’t want to say it because it hurts me. But if you want to
hear what I don’t want to say, I’ll say it.” He
took a deep breath and waited.

Shion moved one hand so it lay flat on
Allen’s chest, and his breathing hitched once. “You
said you wanted to cry in my place…maybe I want to do that for
you, too.”

That nearly unhinged Allen, and he found it
difficult to stand. She sounded sincere. But it wasn’t fair
to ask that from him! And it wasn’t fair for him to get
upset that she had. Did she care that much? She asked too much…did
she really want that? Proof…not fair…do it anyway, already
has me…can’t avoid it. Not fair to her… The low
glass rail he had been leaning against kept him from falling
right down, but he couldn’t stand. He slid down, clenching
his hands, mindless that it might hurt Shion’s. “Don’t
cry Allen! I didn’t mean to make you cry!”

He was crying? He couldn’t tell. He must
be, though; she wouldn’t have said that if he wasn’t.
He couldn’t quite think his words through, but he spoke
anyway. “I shouldn’t have had to! I hate that I feel
like that, I would do it again in an instant, but I
shouldn’t have had to…why didn’t you listen to us,
why didn’t you let us care?” His voice sounded wrong,
he was crying… “I hate that I feel that way.”

She must have been standing. Her hands were
stiff and cool. He wouldn’t let go, even if he wanted to
chew on his fingers; crying always made his fingers hurt. I
wanted time damnit! I needed time, too. Say something…

For a long time, an interminable time, Shion
didn’t move and said nothing. Allen wouldn’t look at
her, didn’t want to see what kind of damage he may have done,
scared to find out if he had destroyed everything. It was too
soon and it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right but he
still felt that way and he knew he had hurt her so he cried. She
had asked and he told her what he didn’t want to say…and
she was silent. Every second was a knife and so he cried. All he
had to judge were her hands. Stiff hands. Shocked hands.

Then her hands were gone. He must have lost his
grip. How long? He couldn’t tell, except that he’d
chewed his lip bloody because he couldn’t bite his aching
fingers. An arm slipped behind him, and he let her pull him
closer to her, nerveless. Now his head was resting on her
shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Allen,” she said, her
voice not very clear at all. “I’m sorry. I
shouldn’t have asked…I wasn’t ready to hear that. I
wanted to be, but I wasn’t.” She sniffed back tears of
her own. “All I ended up doing was hurting both of us.
I’m sorry.”

Allen heard all of it, but one phrase caught
his attention and finally broke the chill he had been feeling. He
lifted his head, to look at Shion, again trying very hard to
still himself—she was so close. Close enough that he could
almost speak in her ear. “You wanted to be?”

He could sense her confusion. “It
doesn’t matter…I wasn’t, and I’m sorry.”

“It matters to me.” He wondered if
she could hear the tremulous smile in his voice. He suddenly
wrapped his arms around her; why it hadn’t occurred to him
to do that before, he wasn’t sure.

“But…I don’t…” She was still
confused, he could hear it in her voice. The unspoken ‘I
don’t understand.’

“We hurt each other, and we’re both
sorry. Just give me some time. Give yourself some time.”
He took a moment to think, then moved a tiny bit, enough so that
his cheek was against hers. “No matter what happens,
I’ll still love you.”

They sat like that for a long moment. Shion
suddenly stiffened, about to say something, her self-doubt nearly
tangible.

Allen was certain he knew what she was about to
say, and cut her off. “I think you are. In the matter of my
heart, I think my opinion is the only one that matters. Do you
think you can accept that?”

Shion relaxed considerably and brought her free
hand to the back of his neck, holding him closer. “Allen…Allen…I
think so.”

“I’m glad.”

The End